Some Secrets Are Meant to be Told
by Genim Stilinski
Summary: A night of secret telling  post season 2 leads to the discovery of some issues that should NOT be kept a secret. PLEASE SEE WARNINGS! Contains triggery material!


**WARNINGS** (Please Read): Strong mentions of body issues, dubious consent, self mutilation, and attempted suicide

**DISCLAIMER**: If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, GET HELP. Despite what I have written, I do not advocate attempting to handle these issues by oneself, or keeping self harm and suicidal thoughts a secret.

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><p>It had all started innocently enough…all the glee kids getting together for an end of the year bash at Rachel's place, bullshitting each other into the wee hours of the night. It was Tina's idea for everyone to share secrets. She insisted that it not be stupid stuff we all already knew about each other, but the deep stuff that, by common knowledge, would bring us further together.<p>

She went first, telling everyone about how she started stuttering. Her father had claimed her 'dishonorable daughter' for dressing and acting the way she did. Apparently, for an Asian to be considered anything other than honorable to one's family was very bad. So, that's where her self-confidence issues came from.

Quinn was next, telling of how she still had dreams about she and Finn raising Beth together. The dreams always freaked her out.

Sam was next, and he told everyone how he cried when he had to tell his siblings that there would be no dinner one night. Kurt placed a comforting hand on his shoulder for that one, having been one of the few New Directions members to have seen the full extent of the damage Mr. Evan's joblessness did to the family.

Santana finally came out of the closet. Though not in the nature of "things we don't already know," no one called her on it. It was silently agreed that it was important for Santana to talk about it.

Rachel, sensing the silence in the room as an opportunity, told everyone of the time she overheard her fourth grade teacher referring to her dads by derogatory terms to another teacher. She never reported it.

"You should go next, Finn," She urged. Finn took a deep breath before replying, "I think I need to wait a little longer to tell mine." He couldn't muster the words to tell her how long of a story it was, or how he hadn't yet gathered the courage to tell them.

Mike saved him, going into a riveting tale of how at the age of 12 he freaked thinking he contracted an STD (though he didn't really know what they were) because an older girl kissed him. Tina laughed a bit at that one.

Finn couldn't chuckle with the rest of the group.

"You okay, Finn?" Sam asked, staring at him in concern from across the room.

"Don't worry about it," Finn shrugged. "Someone else gonna go?"

Mercedes stood next. She told everyone the story of how she threw a large rock through the front window of Kurt's vehicle, which wasn't a secret, and how secretly slipped small bills into Kurt's pockets over the next year and a half until she had given him enough to repay the cost of the windshield. Kurt was astounded, and a bit embarrassed that he hadn't noticed that he always seemed to have more money than he should.

Artie revealed that he used to do ballet before the accident. He figured that if he could direct, then maybe he could live vicariously through the performers under his direction.

Brittany's confession may have been the most comical of the evening, albeit unintentionally. Apparently she had once caught Lord Tubbington doing catnip. She stayed up all night lecturing him on the dangers of drug usage, and offered to bring him to Miss Pillsbury for counseling.

Puck gave his secret from the side of the room. He detailed how when he first started cleaning pools, he was kind of innocent- a virgin, at least. The concept of Puckzilla wasn't formed until his second time with Mrs. Wexler from down the road.

"If they were touching you when you didn't want it, why did you not ask them to stop?" Quinn asked, genuinely concerned.

"I needed the money from the pool cleaning to get Hanukkah presents for my sister. I was afraid they wouldn't let me clean their pools anymore if I said anything."

"That's horrible." Blaine mumbled, almost absentmindedly. Finn knew better, though. Blaine always got quiet and distant when he was seriously contemplating something bad like that.

And so it was down to him, Kurt, and Blaine. Fortunately, Kurt stood before it became too awkward.

His story was about how Ms. Rhodes gave him all these awesome muscle mags, and up until a few months ago he hadn't the courage to even touch them. Then he absently remarked that seeing sales ads sometimes made his body react the same way. Blaine thought it was adorable. Everyone else had to keep themselves from cracking up, Rachel especially.

"Hey Finn," Blaine smiled, "do you want to go next, or should I?"

"You go." Finn felt nauseous.

Blaine told the group how nervous he was when he and Kurt started dating. Dapper as he may be, and smooth as he may have seemed, Blaine insisted that he was scared to death that he'd mess things up.

Yep, Finn wanted to leave.

Everyone else had gone, though, and it was unlikely that they'd let him off without saying anything. He could think of nothing but what he was originally planning to tell them.

It felt like he couldn't breathe. He didn't notice until that moment that Puck made his way across the room, and was rubbing circles into his back. The entirety of the club was looking at him with concern.

"If you're about to tell them what I think you are, you don't have to." Puck whispered.

"I think I need to." Finn replied, taking a moment before facing the group. He didn't stand. He stayed sitting, Puck at the ready for if he panicked again.

"Back in eighth grade, one of the guys in the locker room made fun of me for being less toned than the rest of them, and I looked in the mirror, and saw it too. I felt so fat, like all those things that Santana calls me. I didn't have Sam's willpower to eat only certain things, and I knew that my mom would hear me if I started throwing up all the time for no reason, so I punished myself in other ways.

"I started by doing dangerous stuff, like riding my skateboard down the really big hill by my house. When I broke my arm after falling off, my mom took it away, and I knew I needed to try something else.

"I pinched at the fat on my stomach, and on my legs. My mom wouldn't see the bruises I left there anyways, so it was okay for a while. It stopped being enough when I found that I didn't really have any space left to pinch, so I stole a razorblade from Puck's house."

Everyone was staring at him; no words were spoken. Kurt looked to be the most shocked, though all of them looked that way.

He continued.

"When the insults got too much, and my mind wouldn't shut up about anything, I'd cut. Rachel, you once asked me where the scar on my left forearm came from. That was from the first time, when I didn't know how deep to cut without leaving permanent marks."

She looked teary eyed at the admission.

"I knew for a fact that no one could ever love me, because I was hideous. So I went through all of freshman year, faking a smile, doing all the normal things I was supposed to, like football. I tried to block out the feeling like everyone was watching me every time I had to undress in the locker rooms. I started cutting the insides of my legs instead of my arms, then, because it would be easier to miss if I had any sort of bandages there. Even if another one of the guys noticed, they wouldn't say anything because they would have to admit to looking between my legs, and that's just not cool."

Puck snorted.

"It wasn't until sophomore year that I started to feel a bit better. You'll have to forgive me, Blaine, for this next bit. I gotta talk about Kurt."

Blaine, though slightly surprised, nodded slowly in agreement.

"I knew he liked me. He was the only gay kid in Lima…well, the only out one, and he looked at me like I was something. I'd catch him staring at me in Spanish, and I'd have no choice but to smile back, because in that moment, I knew I mattered."

Tears began to form in Finn's eyes as he pressed on. "But I screwed it up the next year. Kurt's kind of…intense sometimes, and I couldn't take it. When we were moving in together, I-"

His voice cracked as he struggled to continue. "I lashed out at him. I called him really mean stuff, that I regretted the minute they left my mouth. Burt came down and kicked me out, but I didn't care about being homeless, because loosing Kurt…his admiration and his trust, was so much worse."

Finn was openly crying.

"That night was the first time I set a date. I… I couldn't get a gun, or any prescriptions strong enough to do the job, so I figured I'd just cut really deep. I knew I had to cut up, or it wouldn't work as well."

Puck began to tear up as well.

"So when that day came, and I couldn't find a reason to stop myself, I went out to the hill where I broke my arm. I figured that if I was gonna die, I wasn't going to do it in Puck's house. He tried to call me, and I didn't answer. I turned my phone off. But he came looking for me, knowing that I was in a bad place, and he found me before I could go through with it.

So when it gets too bad again, I rewrite my suicide note. I stick it on top of the others in Kurt's mother's dresser. I figured he'd find them one day. I set a new date. And when that date comes, I get out my razorblades, and if I can convince myself that Kurt still loves me, in any way, that someone, anyone, would miss me, I call Puck, and he comes over to stop me."

Finn finally managed to look over at Kurt again, whose face was tear streaked and red with sorrow. The older boy stood, and walked to his stepbrother, and enveloped him in a hug. Finn rocked slowly in Kurt's arms as he let everything out.

"Finn Hudson, you are my brother, and my first love. No matter where we go in life, who we meet, what we do, I will NEVER cease to love you. Is that understood?"

Finn nodded into his chest.

"No more dates, Finn."

The rest of the group continued the silence, giving the two men the time they needed to reassure each other. Puck may have saved Finn's life a couple times over, but Kurt would always save him. He needed to know that.


End file.
